Attachment Styles
How do you connect—and how does it shape your leadership?
As leaders in ministry, our ability to connect deeply with others shapes everything: how we mentor, how we manage conflict, how we create safety—and how we invite people into the heart of God.
But connection doesn’t begin with strategy. It begins with attachment.
The way we connect in the present is often rooted in how we learned to connect in the past. Our early experiences—whether nurturing or painful—can quietly shape our relationships in ministry today.
Here are five common attachment styles to consider:
Avoidant: You may feel most comfortable when emotionally distant. Independence is your default, and intimacy can feel like a threat to control or stability.
Anxious: You may crave closeness but fear being let down. You seek reassurance often and may feel emotionally flooded when relationships feel uncertain.
Controlling: You desire predictability and safety which leads to attempts to manage or direct others’ behaviors and emotions. This style often emerges from a need to prevent chaos or harm, but limits genuine connection.
Possessive: You may feel a strong need to stay close to the people you lead or love. That need can lead to over-monitoring, micromanaging, or emotional dependency—often rooted in a fear of being left or let down.
Secure: You can trust, connect, and lead with love—without fear or control. You model healthy dependence and emotional safety for others.
Your attachment style doesn’t define your capacity to lead—but understanding it is a key to transforming it.
Scriptural Foundation:
📖 1 John 4:18 – “Perfect love drives out fear.”
→ Healthy leadership flows from love, not anxiety.
📖 Psalm 139:1–2 – “You have searched me… and you know me.”
→ God sees the stories that shaped you—and still calls you.
📖 Colossians 3:14 – “Above all, put on love…”
→ Love is the glue that holds trauma-informed ministry together.
Personal Reflection:
How does your attachment style show up in your leadership—and what story might it be carrying?
Action Step:
Choose one attachment style—avoidant, anxious, possessive, controlling, or secure—to focus on this week in your interactions, team meetings, or pastoral care. Reflect on how this style might show up in your ministry, both in yourself and others. Note specific situations where you notice its influence, and consider practical ways to foster healthier connections.
Did you like this article?
Get these articles delivered right to your inbox each week.